Category Archives: Kat

my sister’s grief

By Kat

today will be the first time my sister has had to face her husband’s birthday since he died last year. i find myself wishing that i could be there with her to support her through this difficult time, but i will have to settle for supporting her from a distance.

mary, for whatever it’s worth, i am here for you, grieving with you for your great loss of the man who was your every day partner in every important way, the father of your beautiful children.

it is not fair that he had to leave you so soon. though i cannot take away your pain, i can assure you it will get easier, that brian loves you even in his new life, and that i love you too.

your loving sister,
kat

October 2019

awe

By Kat

for once in my life, i am in awe of my own accomplishments. through much adversity i have endured and actually flourished. two short years ago i would have never believed that i would feel this way today. i’ve survived, saved money and done, at 64, what my son had accomplished by age 25. i have purchased a home. well, a home on wheels, but nevertheless my new home. to me, the wheels represent freedom. freedom to roam and be awe-struck by the beauty of our world. now i am in awe of what the future may hold.

September 2019

sitting on a small rise to observe nature

By Kat

once, in the deep woods
quietly watching nature
oh! chipmunk runs up my leg!

September 2019

On Life

By Kat

Life is not easy
The Busyness of Living
Challenges Always

And, Ain’t our Life Grand
The Trees, The Flowers, Sunsets
Beauty for All Things

September 2019

in an instant

By Kat

the scream came from far off. it came again, close this time. another from somewhere over to my right. silence for a moment; then they came swooping in. four of them, one following the other, slid silently across the road in front of me.

i had been watching all summer, waiting, somewhat impatiently, for this moment. four baby hawks, wings finally big enough to hold them aloft, slipped by silently and separated to land in four palm trees framed by my front window. oh such a joyous sight to behold!

following the every move of the quartet’s parents had become a favorite pastime of anyone and everyone at the pool. we shared stories of what we’d observed the day before or an hour ago, as the pair flew off to find food and returned to nourish their chirping offspring.

the babies sat deeply snug in their nest high up in a tall palm tree, only an occasional bit of fluff visible to us on the ground. and we waited. and we waited. and waited. then suddenly, here, framed in my own window, the scene so anticipated unfolded before my eyes.

the beauty in their wings, the freedom of their flight, was delightful, as they swooped from palm tree to palm tree, playing games of tag with one another. from the direction of the pool came a louder, more urgent scream – mother hawk calling her young to dinner. all four, strung high across the sky, responded to her call and, in a instant, were gone.

August 2019

weeds

By Kat

see the field of weeds,
beautiful weeds.
some people’s weeds
are others’ wildflowers.
how they grow, grow, grow,
ringing in the Spring
with beauty and delight.

some people’s wildflowers
are others’ weeds.
pull the weeds, again and again
as they grow, grow, grow.
pull those weeds,
with aching back.

sing out weeds;
and tell them all
you are wildflowers,
meant to grow.
grow, grow, grow,
to no one’s delight.
grow strong in day’s light.

pull the weeds
and pile them high.
haul them away
to be burned to ash.
in the fire’s light
they disappear, those singing flowers.
the weeds, weeds, weeds, weeds, weeds, weeds, weeds.

July 2019

asking for help

By Kat

having been strong, independent, and a diy sort for more years than i can remember, i have found myself in a very difficult position. i am physically very weak, cognitively challenged by fibro-fog, and emotionally drained. it seems that most of my myriad health issues are progressive, which means that they are and will continue to get worse.

because of health problems, more often than not i face saying no to friends who want me to visit or go somewhere with them. aside from the chronic pain and often-debilitating fatigue, what challenges me most is asking for help. that is something i have seldom had to do in my adult life. after doing for myself for so long and also helping others, i see that i took some pride in those abilities.

i now find myself in a most untenable position. not only am I unable to do my own repairs or stand long enough to prepare my own meals, i haven’t the strength or energy to clean my own house. at quite a cost for one living on social security alone, i now order paleo, gluten-free meals which only require a couple minutes in the microwave. six meals that are fresh, never frozen, arrive every saturday. additionally, i have finally been added to pcoa’s list of disabled people waiting for at-home aid. having procrastinated too long, my house has become impossibly dirty.

as things stand now, my health will never improve in any way. i am constantly researching each illness, injury, and syndrome looking for new possibilities. there are three, possibly four, procedures that give me hope toward relieving much of the unrelenting pain. after exploring these options with doctors, i am convinced that these are my very best hope. neither of the first two are covered by insurance, and both are a long way from my affordability.

since this story is about asking for help, i will not go into detail here about specific diagnoses or the methods which could lead to some relief. today i will be deciding whether or not to do what I find the most difficult of all to ask for. the question at hand is, shall I start a go-fund-me page asking for financial assistance for the procedures? i set today as the final day to make a decision. i still have mixed feelings about asking and am needing to complete a tiny bit more research on fees.

July 2019