I Hate Oatmeal

By Dennis

When I was Florida recently I had opportunity to have breakfast with my brother-in-law. He suggested a few places but one caught my fancy – IHOP. I have not been to an IHOP in many years so I quickly agreed.

He drove there and soon we were met by the hostess. She led us to a table and said our waitress would soon be with us.

Soon a waitress approached. She regarded us and suggested their oatmeal breakfast. I lost all control, I wanted to leap upon the table, spring across the room, grab her by the neck, and throttle her. However I cannot do any of those things so I just buried my head a said, “No, two eggs scrambled, two slices of bacon, and wheat toast.”

Tom looked at me and said, “Why so upset?” And I relayed the following.

When I was a young boy, very young, my mother used to feed me oatmeal every morning. I used to spit it out sometimes onto her face. Later, as I was mastering the English language I perfected the word NO. It went unheeded. I can still remember her looking like Margaret Hamilton standing over a cauldron of a bubbling primordial morass saying, “But it’s so good for you.”

I wonder if the CIA uses oatmeal boarding in Gitmo.

Years passed. Finally one day she announced she would start me on cold cereal. Visions of Frosted Flakes, Trix and Lucky Charms danced in my head. What did I get? Cheerios. “They’re made from oats. It’s so good for you.” That evil cereal floating around in a bowl sometimes forming a mocking face and always keeping their nasty round shape. Cheerios for breakfast and Cheerios for afternoon snack. Cheerios to keep me quiet when I got fussy. Cheerios to help me sleep. So many oats. I felt like I was being groomed for the Kentucky Derby.

I loathe oats so much it extends to oatmeal cookies. Even if I’m in a building served by an Otis elevator I take the stairs. God do I hate oatmeal! Lord how I hate oatmeal!

Sinned (My newly adopted nom de plume. It’s just Dennis spelled backwards. Guess I let the book go to my head).

September 2014

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